Not good enough
by XxStephXx
Summary: Short little LJ angsty fic.
1. Chapter 1

Late one night, Lily crept down to the Gryffindor common room. She couldn't sleep, she could never sleep anymore unless she was so tired that she actually couldn't stay awake. She hated it when she couldn't sleep, it gave her far too much time to think, she hated having time to think. All she could think about was him. Him being James Potter, her now ex boyfriend.

It still didn't make any sense to Lily. James had fancied her years ago back in fifth year then he moved on when she clearly didn't reciprocate his feelings. Then at the start of their seventh year something changed, they were head students together and they became friends. Then they became more than friends. She fell in love with him. Then he dumped her, claiming he was bored. He had broken her heart and he didn't even seem to care. That was nearly a month ago. But lately she had caught him watching her, more than once. She hated that it gave her hope, she should hate him he broke her heart after everything they had been through. She hated that she loved it when she caught him looking at her. Most of all she hated that she still loved him, she hated that she missed him so much she could barely bear it.

She walked into the common room and sat down on the arm chair in front of the fire. It took her a few minutes to realise that she wasn't alone, James was sitting just feet away from her pretending to read a book.

"What are you doing still up?" she sighed. She didn't want to think about him and have to look at him, it wasn't fair, it was bordering on cruel.

"What are you still doing up?" He shot back.

"I couldn't sleep," she said. "I thought I would get some peace and quiet down here."

"If you want me to leave just say," said James. He didn't have the strength to fight with her.

"Leave!"

James sighed and got to his feet. It wasn't supposed to be this way with him and Lily. They were supposed to be happy and together, they were supposed to make it. She wasn't supposed to hate him. He wasn't supposed to break her heart. But he had.

"Do you ever even think about me?" she asked softly. "Do you ever...wonder..."

"Wonder about what?"

"What would have happened if you hadn't gotten bored," she said. "We used to be good together."

"No I don' t wonder." he said.

"I do," she said sadly. "You must be an amazing actor. I really thought you were the guy you pretended to be."

"You saw what you wanted to see."

"I guess I did," said Lily. "I still just...I can't believe that it was all a lie."

"Well it was," said James getting up.

In that moment he wanted nothing more than to reach out and stroke her hair and tell her the truth. He hated seeing her so hurt, he hated what he was doing to her. He couldn't help but love her a little more each day because each day despite what he did she still believed that what they had had was real. He loved the faith she had in him.

Lily sighed and got to her feet. She looked at his face as if she was searching for something. She knew he was a good man, she couldn't explain it she had every reason to hate him but she couldn't. She couldn't stop loving him either.

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"Did you hear Dumbledore has canceled all Hogsmade trips until further notice?" said Sirius.

James was sitting in the common room pretending to read a book, it was a Hogsmade visit that day but he had decided not to go. He preferred to wallow alone.

"Why?" he asked not really paying that much attention.

"Deatheater attack got some students," said Sirius. "Nobody died or anything but some are pretty beaten up."

"Anything serious?" said James. "Who got hurt?"

"I don't think there were any really serious injuries, it was mostly Ravenclaws that got caught up in it but...Lily got hurt too..." said Sirius not sure how James would react.

"Lily? My Lily?" asked James jumping to his feet.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "She is okay, she's in the hospital wing. I just thought I should tell you."

"I have to see her," said James.

How could Lily have been attacked? It wasn't right. His precious girl was hurt, and he hadn't been there to protect her. How could someone have attacked her, she would never hurt anyone. She believed in the good in everyone, she didn't deserve any kind of suffering.

"Do you really think that is a good idea?" said Sirius. "Kent is with her."

"Kent? What the hell does Kent have to do with anything?"

"He asked her out this morning," said Sirius. "She said yes."

"She's going out with Kent?" asked James incredulously.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "You gave her up mate, this is nobody's fault but yours."

"I know," said James and he truly did sound devastated. "I still have to see her."

"Fine don't say I didn't warn you," sighed Sirius. He had learned a long time ago that it was pointless to try and talk sense into James when it came to Lily.

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James crept into the hospital wing under his invisibility cloak, he immediately spotted Lily lying asleep on one of the beds. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, the only imperfection on her face was gnash on her left cheek. He crept over to her bed, he reached out and stroked her cheek.

"What are you doing here?" she groaned. She hadn't been asleep, she had been resting her eyes.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he said truthfully.

"Why would you even care?"

"Of course I care," said James. "I'd hate anything bad to happen to you."

"I don't understand you," said Lily opening her eyes and looking up at him. "We broke up. You shouldn't be sneaking in here to make sure I'm okay. You really hurt me, you shouldn't be hanging around making it worse."

"I'm sorry," said James sincerely. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know you didn't want to hurt me," said Lily she could tell just by the destroyed look on his face that he had never intentionally set out to hurt her. "I just don't understand why though..."

"Because you deserve everything good in the world," said James. "But I'm not it."

"James..." But he was gone, he had disappeared under his cloak and out of the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"James," Lily shouted.

It had been three weeks since the deatheater attack, James had gone out of his way to avoid Lily. She had tried to to talk to him, but she gave up after the fifth time he ignored her. She was still dating Dylan Kent, he was a prefect so they could do their rounds together since James had decided to do his with Remus instead of Lily. That night James had come across Lily and Dylan taking a break from their rounds, just when they happened to be snogging. James just froze and fled. Now Lily was chasing him as he ran away from her.

"James stop!" she shouted as she realized she wasn't going to catch up with him because he was much faster than she was. "Come on James! I don't even know why you're upset!"

"What?" he shouted furiously as he turned round. "You don't know why I'm upset?"

"No I don't!" Lily shouted as she ran up to him. "I was kissing my boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with that."

"Nothing wrong with that?" James shouted. He reached out and grabbed her by her waist and pushed her against the wall. "Everything is wrong with that."

"James..."

He pressed his forehead against hers, closed his eyes and sighed. "Everything is wrong with that."

"You broke up with me, remember?" Lily whispered into his ear. She reached her arms up so that she could play with the little tufts of hair just about his ears. "This was your decision."

"I know," he whispered. "But...seeing that. What are you trying to do to me?"

"Nothing," she said. "I don't want to hurt you. But what do you expect me from me?"

"I...I..."

"Do you want me to be alone forever, pining after you?" she asked. "Come on even your ego isn't that big anymore."

"No I don't want you to be unhappy," he sighed rubbing her cheek with his hand.

"We are not together anymore," said Lily. "You broke up with me, I am allowed to have a boyfriend. I'm sorry you saw what you did, but I didn't exactly plan for you to see it and I wouldn't flaunt it in your face but...I'm not doing anything wrong."

"I know," he sighed. "But Kent is not good enough for you."

"James," she sighed. "He is a good guy."

"I know," he said. "But not good enough."

"You've never thought anyone was good enough for me," smiled Lily.

"Because you deserve the best," he said.

"Well I have come to terms with the fact that the best I am ever going to get will only ever be second best to me," said Lily. "So do you."

"Lily..." he sighed.

"It's my own fault, I fell in love with you," said Lily. "You didn't make me. I should have known better."

"I...I..."

"Hey at least you'll meet your 'soul mate', I have never really been comfortable with that term," said Lily. She lifted his hands off her and stepped away from him. "You still have the chance."

"You really think?" he asked bitterly.

"Yes," said Lily. "Because nobody in their right mind would throw away someone they love for no good reason."

"You'd be surprised," said James.

"I am going back to my boyfriend, to apologize for running off," said Lily. "You can stand here and be vague, I am done wondering why you did what you did. But if you are ever in the mood to tell me, then please do."

"Lily wait."

"What?" she asked turning back round to face him. He didn't say anything, he just looked at her as if willing her to understand. "Goodbye James."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It was James and Lily's last day at Hogwarts, they had already graduated and were aboard the Hogwarts Express on their way back to London. They hadn't spoken since the night James caught Lily kissing Dylan. She knew he would watch her, but she never confronted him she couldn't face talking to him and not being able to be honest about how she felt about him.

Lily was standing in the last carriage looking out of the window. She missed James, she missed him a ridiculous amount, they may have only been together for a little while but she had fallen in love with him. He might have broken her heart but she couldn't bring herself to hate him or even be angry at him, he looked far too miserable about it all. That is what she didn't understand, he was the one that had ended it so he should be happy but he clearly wasn't.

"Lily."

Speaking of James, he had just stepped into the empty carriage with her.

"What do you want James?" she asked.

"I wanted to talk," said James. "Do you mind?"

"No," said Lily. It was their last day, after today she probably wouldn't see him again and she couldn't bear it. She at the very least wanted to say goodbye to him.

"Thank you," said James as he sat down opposite her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Lily asked. She continued to look out of the window, whenever she looked at James lately she felt such a strong pang of longing that it was less painful not to.

"I wanted to say goodbye," he said not taking his eyes off her for a single second. "I didn't want to end things on a bad note."

"It's okay, I'm not mad at you anymore."

"I heard you broke up with Dylan," he said.

"I did," said Lily. She wasn't going to tell him why, she still had her pride he didn't have to know how much she still loved him.

"How are you Lily?" he asked sofly.

She sighed, that was the voice he used when they used to sit together under the big tree by the lake. The way he used to talk softly into her ear and tell her how much she meant to him.

"I'm fine," she said. "How are you?"

"Tired, I couldn't sleep last night," smiled James. "We have to be grown ups now."

"Yeah we do," said Lily. "We should be getting to Kings Cross soon."

"In a few minutes," said James. "I should have come to talk to you sooner, I...I was scared you didn't want to speak to me."

"I told you I'm not mad anymore," said Lily. "I guess we should say goodbye."

"I never thought I would say goodbye to you," said James sadly.

"Me neither," said Lily. "But here we are."

"Here we are," said James. "Good luck, stay safe and...be happy."

"That sounds like something from some sappy card," said Lily.

"I know but I didn't know what else to say," said James. "I just...I need to take care of yourself, don't put yourself in danger, okay?"

"Why?"

"Please," he pleaded. "Promise me you will stay safe."

"I'll do my best," said Lily. "I hope you find happiness James and stay safe too."

"Goodbye Lily."

"Goodbye James."

James sighed and got to his feet. He leaned down and quickly kissed Lily on the cheek, before she could stop him. He turned to leave the carriage but as he reached for the handle Lily jumped to her feet.

"No don't go," she said calmly. "Please, just stay."

"Lily," he said carefully. "I should..."

"I love you," she said her eye filling up with tears. "I love you, please don't go. We are never going back to school again so...please just stay."

"I...I...can't," said James painfully. "I...I wish..."

"I wish I could hate you," said Lily stubbornly wiping the tears from her cheeks as fresh ones fell. "Why did you ask me out for so long? Why were you so...sweet and...you? If you were always going to do this...why did you have to make me love you?"

"I'm sorry."

"Oh you're sorry, that makes it all okay," said Lily. "I never thought you would be cruel, I thought you were better than that now...I would have preferred to be hexed."

"I...I..."

"Did you ever even like me or was it all just a game to get the one girl that didn't want to go out with you?"

"Of course it wasn't a game," said James reaching out his hand to stroke her face.

"No!" she hissed slapping his hand away. "You don't get to act like you care."

"I do care, of course I care," said James sadly. "Honey it's..."

"Don't call me honey," she said sadly. "Please just leave me alone, promise me you will just leave me alone from now on."

"What?"

"I need to just get over you," she sighed looking out of the window. "And I can't do that when you're around. So please if you see me after today don't talk to me, don't even look at me. I want to pretend that you don't exist because...I can't handle loving you and...please just promise me..."

"Okay, I promise."

"Can you leave now?"

"Okay," said James hanging his head. "But..."

"Bye!"

James turned to walk out the carriage, he couldn't bring himself to look back at her it would break his heart to see what he was doing to her. He hated himself and couldn't stand what was happening between them.


End file.
